Am I grumpy?

Occasionally, friends of mine inform me that I'm quite grumpy.

Now this is more of a surprise to me than it should be because most of the time and in many aspects of my life, I'm actually very happy. I'm always grateful for what I have, who I have and I'm satisfied by what I've achieved and been part of since birth. However, it is true that I find some things difficult to cope with and I often fear change, despite my favourite television show Star Trek drumming the positives of bettering oneself into my head since I was little. My parent's nickname for me was "Mister Mizo-Squack".

I think my problem is how I present myself to others. I don't smile a lot. It seems such a simple thing to do, yet not only do I dislike my rabbit-toothy grin but I'm very self concious of how I act, whilst my laugh is about as subtle as a killer whale on the set of Jeremy Kyle.

Many times a week, I have friends over for lunch or to watch television and they will often tell amusing stories of their day or share entertaining gossip, only for me to sit there with a neutral expression or only the flicker of a smile, sometimes prompting them to ask if I'm feeling alright or even bored. During my Year 10 work experience at Southampton Library, I was given a full access all areas tour of the library archives, which is only slightly less exciting than it sounds. It was really very interesting, exploring old collections and documents from decades past, but the librarian later claimed that I had looked bored. I really wasn't. I was concentrating, I was thinking. I love little stories and learning about new subjects, I ask lots of questions after all, but this obviously sacrifices the use of muscles in my face.
 
It isn't a new observation that I often act like an old man. A jaded individual. That is something I kinda like and if I'm speaking to older people, I'm quite the gentleman. I find it much easier to get along with people over fifty, because though they are doubtless judging me as a young man, I can simply put to rest their disdain by not acting like chav, and shaking their hand firmly whilst using the word "indeed" a lot. My generation are far less satisfied and in constant social competition to prove themselves as part of the crowd, but that is another discussion. So I find having a front and the expression of a non-committal Victorian gentleman a safe idle defence, and a sarcastic, cynical sneer of a voice a way to hide nativity and shyness. Some people find it funny, oddly, but others are unnerved or find it hard to trust me. I'm beginning to see why. Something I should work on.

But if it helps you understand me, faithful reader, I'm just like any normal, emotional, excitable and horny youngster. More or less. Grumpy isn't the right word, because thinking about it, though I'm by nature a serious and an awkward person, who can't start to lower his shields until the proverbial ice of saying Hello to someone has been broken, I am nevertheless always having a laugh, cuddling everyone, cracking jokes and running around with a cheesy grin. Thats genuine. That is who I am. Until I can find a way to express other parts of myself as me more openly, it is probably best to close your eyes and listen to the words I say, rather than watch how I deliver them. 

I'm not an old man. I'm a little boy.